Sighing with the morning skies
Mar. 6th, 2026 06:46 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
thatsjustjenna I am up early.
This is somewhat scary because I am never up early if I can help it.
I've had about five hours of sleep- that's a lot to have in one go for me. Usually I'll wake up two to three times a night and have to fall back asleep fitfully. But today? Today I am up with dawn. I don't like it, but I don't hate it either. The quiet and the relative calm is nice in a way. I wouldn't say soothing, but at the same time I made it through another night, didn't I? And that counts for something.
I'm sitting here thinking about how I am siting squarely in a parallel moment. I am both doing exceptionally well in life, and also feeling the worst anxiety I have ever felt in my life. Like somehow this can all be taken away from me in an instant, and it may or may not be my fault. That sounds very dramatic, and I'm sure it is. But it is a "Big Feeling", and as far as big feelings go they need to be seen and addressed before there is any hope of them going away or becoming not quite so overwhelming.
So I am up early. Addressing the big feelings and sitting with them. Mowgli is quiet for the moment by my side as well. Perhaps taking in the moment with me, helping me as a conduit to channel some of these tendrils of feelings for me. Or maybe he's just hoping that I'll get off of my ass and feed him more treats. Both are simultaneously possible.
I am glad that it is also Friday. That I will get to work with Lexi and Jadeyn today at work, and that will be a good thing. I'm glad that I will be able to finish sending out the checks today and that I can spend the rest of the day doing homework and prepping for the board meeting on Tuesday. Then Kellie and I will have the financial meeting on Thursday. So I will need to start working on that as well.
I'm getting ahead of myself. I tend to do that. I focus too much on what has to be done and the task list is almost always overwhelming. I am remembering to breath deep and to let go.
I think part of it is that I don't feel scrappy any more. I feel like I bounce back still, but not quite as high. I feel less and less like I have any control over my own life, or that it has any meaning to it. I want nothing more than to be financially stable and also make art in some way. To at least have time for creative pursuits. From the outside my life seems to be going well- I have a great job, great pay, and I am doing well in school. All things considered I am doing really well.
And that is all true- those things are not lies. But I do not feel well. And I feel like the harder I try to feel better the harder it is to actually achieve it. So perhaps the time has come to surrender my feelings of control, or lack thereof, and just let the dust settle where it must. I've been thinking a lot about surrender these days anyway. What does that look like on a global scale as well as a personal one? Is surrendering a good thing? Or something to be avoided? I don't know if I have the capacity to surrender all at once, but I do feel that little bit by little bit I am letting it happen. I think that I have to in order to survive this. What even is 'this' anyway? This incredible privilege? "Heavy is the head that wears the crown" has been something said over and over again. If I want to enact change I am also going to have to bear the burden of all the anxieties that come with it. The question then becomes, for how long? I am almost two years into my tenure as a director. I feel more adrift than before. My confidence in my abilities has waned. Some of it is beyond my control- and I know that now.
I'd like to think that things will get better once grad school is done. Once summer arrives at least I'll have a break and can rest some I hope. I need to take a week off just to sleep and decompress. To move slowly and not let things bother me. "A thousand little pings against the psyche" Dottie calls it. She's right. It's not the big things that I can't handle, it's the million and one small things.
The light is brighter outside. It's now just after 7 o'clock. Now the question becomes, do I try to wrap this writing up and maybe get a little bit of rest? Or do I surrender to the day and admit that now is the time when people normally arise and move about their days?
I guess the other thing I'd like to know is when will it be fun again? When can I enjoy my life for what it is again and feel like I am making art and also making a difference and also feel safe and secure financially?
I suppose those answers will be lived out one day at a time. That that is how it is supposed to be anyway. One moment, one sunrise at a time.
This is somewhat scary because I am never up early if I can help it.
I've had about five hours of sleep- that's a lot to have in one go for me. Usually I'll wake up two to three times a night and have to fall back asleep fitfully. But today? Today I am up with dawn. I don't like it, but I don't hate it either. The quiet and the relative calm is nice in a way. I wouldn't say soothing, but at the same time I made it through another night, didn't I? And that counts for something.
I'm sitting here thinking about how I am siting squarely in a parallel moment. I am both doing exceptionally well in life, and also feeling the worst anxiety I have ever felt in my life. Like somehow this can all be taken away from me in an instant, and it may or may not be my fault. That sounds very dramatic, and I'm sure it is. But it is a "Big Feeling", and as far as big feelings go they need to be seen and addressed before there is any hope of them going away or becoming not quite so overwhelming.
So I am up early. Addressing the big feelings and sitting with them. Mowgli is quiet for the moment by my side as well. Perhaps taking in the moment with me, helping me as a conduit to channel some of these tendrils of feelings for me. Or maybe he's just hoping that I'll get off of my ass and feed him more treats. Both are simultaneously possible.
I am glad that it is also Friday. That I will get to work with Lexi and Jadeyn today at work, and that will be a good thing. I'm glad that I will be able to finish sending out the checks today and that I can spend the rest of the day doing homework and prepping for the board meeting on Tuesday. Then Kellie and I will have the financial meeting on Thursday. So I will need to start working on that as well.
I'm getting ahead of myself. I tend to do that. I focus too much on what has to be done and the task list is almost always overwhelming. I am remembering to breath deep and to let go.
I think part of it is that I don't feel scrappy any more. I feel like I bounce back still, but not quite as high. I feel less and less like I have any control over my own life, or that it has any meaning to it. I want nothing more than to be financially stable and also make art in some way. To at least have time for creative pursuits. From the outside my life seems to be going well- I have a great job, great pay, and I am doing well in school. All things considered I am doing really well.
And that is all true- those things are not lies. But I do not feel well. And I feel like the harder I try to feel better the harder it is to actually achieve it. So perhaps the time has come to surrender my feelings of control, or lack thereof, and just let the dust settle where it must. I've been thinking a lot about surrender these days anyway. What does that look like on a global scale as well as a personal one? Is surrendering a good thing? Or something to be avoided? I don't know if I have the capacity to surrender all at once, but I do feel that little bit by little bit I am letting it happen. I think that I have to in order to survive this. What even is 'this' anyway? This incredible privilege? "Heavy is the head that wears the crown" has been something said over and over again. If I want to enact change I am also going to have to bear the burden of all the anxieties that come with it. The question then becomes, for how long? I am almost two years into my tenure as a director. I feel more adrift than before. My confidence in my abilities has waned. Some of it is beyond my control- and I know that now.
I'd like to think that things will get better once grad school is done. Once summer arrives at least I'll have a break and can rest some I hope. I need to take a week off just to sleep and decompress. To move slowly and not let things bother me. "A thousand little pings against the psyche" Dottie calls it. She's right. It's not the big things that I can't handle, it's the million and one small things.
The light is brighter outside. It's now just after 7 o'clock. Now the question becomes, do I try to wrap this writing up and maybe get a little bit of rest? Or do I surrender to the day and admit that now is the time when people normally arise and move about their days?
I guess the other thing I'd like to know is when will it be fun again? When can I enjoy my life for what it is again and feel like I am making art and also making a difference and also feel safe and secure financially?
I suppose those answers will be lived out one day at a time. That that is how it is supposed to be anyway. One moment, one sunrise at a time.
(no subject)
Date: 2026-03-12 04:55 am (UTC)I dont know too much about you, I saw your page randomly, but it resonates with me.
It sounds like you have a hard time with feeling out of control, and I can understand that as well. I thought I was okay with letting go of control in my life and just letting things happen, but it turns out I want too many things in life to let things handle themselves. I think it's just about finding a balance with it. It's difficult.
Sorry for giving my unsolicited opinion. Your space here is very nice and I hope you find everything you are looking for!